After a completely shielded childhood, I first walked into a hospital unaccompanied a few days back, to diagnose a swelling in my leg. I was in this super hospital called Paras Hospitals in Gurgaon. I didnt understand why a single hospital was called "Hospitals". I decided to put my logic in the back seat, and walked in, and I was taken in by the swanky look of the place. For one, I could not smell "the hospital smell".
I found this dude in suit and tie, so I walk up to him and ask for Dr. PC, the guy I had been referred to. He told me to go fill up two forms, and pay for consultation. I was reminded of
Munnabhai, as I limped to the counter to fill the forms. The lady misspelt my name twice, and made me pay in cash before meeting this doctor. I then walked in, and I found Dr. PC was the same suited guy I had seen near the reception. I began thinking it was some elaborate plot and I was the Bond in the scene, but I trusted him anyway. He seemed in a terrible hurry.
He took one look at it, and told me that it was a fracture. I marvelled at his phenomenal capabilities, and could see my consultation fees evaporate. "So, doctor, don't you think we need an xray?"
"yes yes, xray xray. Good good. Come with me.", he muttered excitedly and looked at his watch.
He hurried down the hall, as I limped behind him. Somewhere along the way, I was intercepted by a wheelchair wielding male nurse (!!) and I raced along with him. On the way, I spotted a former Cabinet minister who clearly wears a wig in all public appearances.
I reached the XRay room, and stepped in. The enormity of the equipment took me by surprise. I saw computers and smartly clad male nurses (What is with male nurses anyway?) I was re-assured that the male nurse was a malayali, as are 89.9% of all nurses worldwide.
In a tearing hurry, I was put on the seat. A blinding light later, my leg was being evaluated. I looked at the xray. New age technology ensured that my doctor was looking at my leg in a computer, in different angles. I could see my bones, and some flesh around it. It reminded me of chicken fry. I became hungry.
Dr. PC, in his furious pace to find a ruptured bone somewhere, muttered under his breath and showed me what was clearly a scratch on the screen. He told me it was the sacrimento bone fracture (or something like that), and I needed a plaster cast for a month. I asked the male nurse for a copy of my XRay. He told me that I would get a copy only after I cleared the bill. I told him to keep it, with my best compliments to him and his family.
Meanwhile, I raced behind the doctor on my wheelchair to the room where he was to put a plaster cast on my leg. He was mumbling to himself continuously, and when we reached the room, told me to hold my leg out at 5 degrees to the horizontal. I asked him for a protactor. He didn't find it funny.
He took out a blue plaster and got to work on my foot. I asked him why we were not using plaster-of-paris. "The days of Plaster of Paris are over", he remarked with a flourish, and an intelligent smile. I really enjoyed the humor, and smiled, relaxing for the first time. I then happened to chance upon the price of the blue plaster on the packaging. I froze.
I then tried convincing the doctor that Plaster of Paris would be an ideal choice in my condition, as the sacrimento bone would be better placed that way. It didn't work. It was too late. My leg was plastered.
It was then time for my tearful farewell with Dr. PC and my money. Apparently, they didn't even accept Sodexho coupons. Five minutes later, I had paid the bills, prayed that my insurance would pick it up, and was standing outside the hospital waiting for the car.
The tryst with modern day hospitals was over, and I was on my way to recovery. Atleast, thats what Dr. PC said before rushing off.